Rules of Soft Play (Unabridged)
The full version of that small print you never have time to read…
- We accept no responsibility for your children, their behaviour, tantrums, or inability to hold their bladders.
- Please leave your shoes and dignity at the front desk. You cannot climb through the squidgy mangle at 30 and still look cool. Let it go.
- Socks must be worn at all times for hygiene reasons. And to alleviate frostbite in this concrete floored abyss…
- Babies are most welcome at their parent’s own risk …of hyperventilating at every snot-ridden toddler who storms past or every cold chip they pick up from the floor.
- Food is not allowed on the playframe. Or in the café. We might produce something orange from the fryer on request, but we can’t really call it food. Your kids aren’t complaining, so quit whining.
- We try to keep our soft play areas as clean as possible. Please inform a member of staff if you see anything which requires cleaning up so we can sweep half-heartedly at it with blue tissue unless it has really obviously got bodily fluids in.
- We do not accept complaints about the behaviour of older children. In two years time you will still be coming here, thanking the lord for this policy.
- There will only be one baby changing station. We know there will be more than one baby, we just love watching you try to wrestle your stinky baby without spilling its nappy and pretending not to mind that the person ahead is taking so long. We have needs too.
- We have an open pricing policy. It’s extortionate. You need not mutter to yourself or your friends at the till about it each and every time you choose to frequent us. No really. You should see the insurance premiums for allowing infants to play at height.
- We like everyone to play pretend, starting with ‘pretend that we all have some perspective’. Climbing the slide, pushing in and screaming are not allowed; they are also not the end of the world. Take a chill pill.
- All the rules apply to everyone. Not everyone except your child because you think they are a unique and special exception. Yes we mean you.
- You could always go to the park.