• 07Jan

    Rules of Soft Play (Unabridged)

    The full version of that small print you never have time to read…

    1. We accept no responsibility for your children, their behaviour, tantrums, or inability to hold their bladders.
    2. Please leave your shoes and dignity at the front desk. You cannot climb through the squidgy mangle at 30 and still look cool. Let it go.
    3. Socks must be worn at all times for hygiene reasons. And to alleviate frostbite in this concrete floored abyss…
    4. Babies are most welcome at their parent’s own risk …of hyperventilating at every snot-ridden toddler who storms past or every cold chip they pick up from the floor.
    5. Food is not allowed on the playframe. Or in the café. We might produce something orange from the fryer on request, but we can’t really call it food. Your kids aren’t complaining, so quit whining.
    6. We try to keep our soft play areas as clean as possible. Please inform a member of staff if you see anything which requires cleaning up so we can sweep half-heartedly at it with blue tissue unless it has really obviously got bodily fluids in.
    7. We do not accept complaints about the behaviour of older children. In two years time you will still be coming here, thanking the lord for this policy.
    8. There will only be one baby changing station. We know there will be more than one baby, we just love watching you try to wrestle your stinky baby without spilling its nappy and pretending not to mind that the person ahead is taking so long. We have needs too.
    9. We have an open pricing policy. It’s extortionate. You need not mutter to yourself or your friends at the till about it each and every time you choose to frequent us. No really. You should see the insurance premiums for allowing infants to play at height.
    10. We like everyone to play pretend, starting with ‘pretend that we all have some perspective’. Climbing the slide, pushing in and screaming are not allowed;  they are also not the end of the world. Take a chill pill.
    11. All the rules apply to everyone. Not everyone except your child because you think they are a unique and special exception. Yes we mean you.
    12. You could always go to the park.

Discussion 16 Responses

  1. January 8, 2013 at 7:53 am

    This is so funny and yet so true!! i hope you dont mind i have shared it over facebook and google +

    Its bloody brill!

  2. January 8, 2013 at 12:51 pm

    This has totally made my day! Thank HEAVENS my kids have outgrown soft play!

    • January 9, 2013 at 8:44 pm

      Thanks Tara :) You’re quite welcome to take mine? They love new staff!

  3. January 8, 2013 at 1:00 pm

    I love this! So true!

    • January 9, 2013 at 8:44 pm


  4. January 8, 2013 at 1:10 pm

    Fantastic post, very clever and very true! It irritates me every time, paying the extortionate prices for next to nothing, and still I continue to take them. This ‘small print’ is SO intended for people like me :)

    • January 9, 2013 at 8:43 pm

      One day I will win Euromillions and open a massive playcentre with, all mod cons, for free.

  5. January 8, 2013 at 1:17 pm

    So true, I can identify with the comment on the bodily fluids and open pricing policy especially! I’m wondering why I still go to them (must be something to do with the great British climate and the Starbucks concession – intentions strong, but will power weak). As you say, you get lots more (or at least no less) in the park and it’s free.

    • January 9, 2013 at 8:42 pm

      I am very ambivalent about them! So handy (especially with twin toddlers – hard to manage in parks right now!) but sometimes I sit there seething at myself for going!

  6. January 8, 2013 at 2:19 pm

    I like the insight that the badly behaved older kids will be something to be thankful for in 2 years time. I’ve spend relatively little time in soft play places but I did hate not being able to take off my coat ’cause it was so flippin’ cold!

    • January 9, 2013 at 8:41 pm

      My local ones are ALWAYS freezing. Even in the summer!

  7. January 8, 2013 at 5:10 pm

    Hee hee! Spookily accurate. I dare you to post it on the wall in your local soft play!

    P.S. can I?

    • January 9, 2013 at 8:40 pm

      Ah shucks, would love to but I think they might suss it was me!

  8. January 10, 2013 at 9:53 pm

    Love this! So true…it’s almost like you’ve been to my local playzone…

  9. January 11, 2013 at 8:35 pm

    Love it. They should truly hand this out to every new person who arrives at soft place places!

  10. January 14, 2013 at 3:38 pm

    This is hilarious – orange non-food from the fryer definitely has to be the best bit!

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