Humane Culling the Facebook Way
Does your Facebook timeline make you wince? Are blasts from the past intruding in your present? Then it’s time for a routine Facebook cull. Selectively managing your contacts from time to time doesn’t have to be a bad thing. If you’re a gentle soul perhaps you could think of it as releasing the fish you don’t need to swim free. But mostly it’s just about culling those which have become a pest to your Facebook habitat. Clearing out the clutter can make it a much more personal and fun place to visit.
Should they stay or should they go?
How to cull is a toughie. Can you unfriend one person among a group? One colleague? People you have known for years? If you’re not sure then here are some incredibly diplomatic and well-researched pointers to help you on your way:
- Delete anyone with over 250 ‘friends’. No-one has that many, they’re either a sociopath, kleptomaniac or both. They don’t need you, they acquired you. Leave a you-shaped-hole in their collection.
- People who don’t deliver enough juicy titbits and pictures of their life for you to stalk through in your own time. Don’t they get it at all? Swim little fishies, swim!
- Anyone who you would avoid in public so not to have to speak to. You can tell yourself there’s no-one like that in your list, but we both know you’re lying to yourself. Cruel to be kind.
- Any1 who uses txt spk and stpd punct-n!!!!!! They won’t notice because they probably can’t remember things anyway.
- People who repeatedly use hash tags and can’t differentiate between Twitter and Facebook. #annoying #farewell
- Those people you once met on holiday way back when. Let’s face it you wouldn’t remember their names if they didn’t pop up in your timeline three times a day telling you what they ate/saw on the train/bought that day. Adios to the digital Straw Donkey!
- Folks who don’t reply to nice private messages inviting them out/congratulating them on something/offering something. Clearly wasting your time. Bye bye!
- Contacts who put running sweary commentary on their insignificant life activities. Really? Inarticulate or emotionally overcharged, or both. Killer combination. Toodles!
- Those ‘friends’ who have nothing on their timeline except comments from other people? Yeah, they probably blocked you. I’m sorry, it stings, but we all have them. They’re dining on your news and not sharing… no ta!
- Anyone who posts announcing that a cull is imminent. Assassins don’t wear bells. In this case attack is the best form of defence! (Announcing after you’ve done it is safer!).
If you still find you have too many friends you may in fact be turning into the kleptomaniac. In this case you should begin a Guess Who? based culling exercise. In an order of your choosing you can delete: anyone with short hair, people with glasses, people with green eyes… keep going until you have a sensible number left. And no selecting on race, religion, gender, disability or sexual orientation. It’s possibly discrimination-ism-ist and health and safety gone mad. Chances are if you’re a ‘proper’ bigot you won’t have these people anyway!
Lastly, don’t drink and cull. A friend of mine deleted her whole husband’s family after a night out and then ended up also deleting them all off her husband’s account so they could claim it was a virus on the computer!
There must be more…