Anyway, questions which are currently tickling my nut include:

- Who in all-that-is-flipping-holy is reading ‘Hello’ magazine? Is it sustained purely on the unthinking subscriptions of medical reception offices and chip shop owners? I have literally never seen anyone buy it, and I used to work in a newsagents!

- Why do nipples think that they are cold when you get in a hot bath? It makes NO SENSE.

- Who buys stuff from an in-flight magazine? We’ve all been through the concourse shops for hours already. We spend so damn long walking around the World Duty Free shop that if our flights were delayed any longer we’d walk out wearing tacky ‘designer’ rhinestone sunglasses puffing a pound-weight of rolling tobacco. Who is that indecisive that they wait for the plane!??

- Why are the bees knees meant to be good? Honey is good. Their role in pollination is admired the world over. Why is the best thing we can say about them their knees?

- Why do we get boring hair when cats get tabby and tortoiseshell?

- Reality TV phone votes say 18+ only. Why would an adult do that?

Enough about me, what’s vexing YOU this week? (and can you answer any of these?)

JT (not sleeping well!)

So I take photos; endless photos. To an outsider they are a mundane catalogue of the ordinary, to me they are a digital miracle through which I can happily browse for hours; and which they do too when they manage to sneak off with my phone. I find them under the dining table, hunched over the small screen, pointing each other out in the pictures and chatting gleefully in their barely-intelligible toddler language. All they see is images of themselves, playing, eating and laughing. But I’m looking at the years of mine and my husband’s life given over to them, the work involved for ‘free play’, a happy day out, or the quiet snooze on a Wednesday afternoon.

Occasionally I catch glimpses of how they may look when they’re older, and speculate on how they might turn out, and I inwardly wince at the prospect of them becoming harder or affected by the wider world. I guess that’s normal for a parent, but their potential both excites and terrifies me.

Despite often yearning for a moment’s peace, as I sit listening to their breath and browse countless proud photos of them passing development milestones, I quietly, really, honestly never ever want them to grow up.

My twins turned two at the back-end of last year and ever since then I have been waiting by the door in a state of heightened excitement for my ‘two-year check up’ appointment from the Health Visitor. Y’know, those people who visit you and monitor your kids’ weight and height and answer the burning questions that you can’t find out yourself through Dr Google.

I stopped going to mine when the twins were about one. It wasn’t that I didn’t find them nice people, or that I didn’t occasionally need some advice, but they changed something basic: they stopped visiting. Instead they moved the service to a Children’s Centre, where you get the pleasure of sitting in a large room several feet from the parent in front, who tries desperately not to swear as they undress their screaming baby in front of an audience, and get to ask all their daft questions in front of their peers. Maybe they think we like the opportunity to socialise; like it makes up for all the cancelled Children’s Centre services that they can’t afford to run anymore.

Then there are the logistics, whether in a health clinic or a children’s centre. They tend to run a drop-in clinics (and yes, we are unreliable with little ones, fair point), but that can also lead to lengthy waits. Hard enough with one baby; add an older sibling or a twin and you’re basically looking at a half hour of potential hell in a waiting room. If there’s one thing I know about babies bowel movements, they wait until *just* the right moment…

But the main reason I don’t attend is that like many places nowhere else I can even think of, they don’t allow buggies in the building. For the first year I lugged my twins on my own, who by the end were, with carseats, nearly 50lbs spread over two ergonomically-offensive carrying contraptions. Bad enough I carried them in like that after a c-section, but once they reached solids and whacked on the weight I could barely walk six feet without thinking I was going to get a hernia. When they left the stage ’0′ carseats I said blow it and took them in their Easywalker buggy and went inside. It wouldn’t fit through the doors as the child safety guards on the hinges narrows them below (former) DDA width. So I stopped going. There was literally no way to take them both in. Even now they are walking I can’t supervise one and undress another in front of people without unleashing tantrum Armageddon. It’s hard enough keeping them occupied for two minutes at home!

Then I needed to see them again so I called and asked for an appointment at home as it was more than a quick chat in front of the local crowd. The woman on the phone said no, their scales didn’t travel. I tried again the next month and was told no, they were too busy. This week I got my gold-embossed VIP invitation to attend the two-year check – at the Children’s Centre I can’t get into. Even if I could get in I can’t sensibly supervise them and have a conversation about them for the ninety minutes it takes – even in a consulting room. Twins, examination tables and yellow sharps boxes don’t really mix all that well.

Finally, on my third attempt, I have now convinced them to visit me at home. In fact there seems to be a new lady on the line and she has a common sense attitude. But I don’t think parents of multiples, or who have any other specific need, should have to jump through hoops to get a ‘visit’ from a Health Visitor. Presumably it’s more efficient to run it this way. The staff spend less time driving from home to home and can get on with talking to people. Talking that is, to the ones that are willing to talk with an audience, can get in the room, and haven’t already been put off the whole silly affair.

Is it just my area that does this? Is it just having twins that makes accessing basic services so much harder? Does anyone actually see health visitors anymore anyway? Answers on a postcard. Or in the comments box beneath!

UPDATE: happy to report that I have finally managed to speak to my local HV who was angry to hear parents were refused visits and suspects that a shortage of admin staff and sick cover may have lead to the ‘no visits’ message being incorrectly passed out last year. Someone is on the case as this is NOT officially the policy in my area. Very concerned that it has occurred though and that it continues to elsewhere.

Some are very adult focused, some kid focused, others write a lot about arts, crafts and food. They do without exception have a sense of humour, which is doubtless top of the list of essentials for anyone having multiples. Here they are in no particular order: enjoy!

JT

• Tales of a Twin Mum A funny Northern Mum of twins, living down South who was brave enough to get pregnant again after twins. She has a new baby and is still blogging. She’s a full-on baby-blogger and has heaps of info which will interest new parents.  

  Follow @talesofatwinmum

• Trouble Doubled ”Because two noisy, bossy, head-strong, stinky, cheeky, cute, obnoxious, tiring, unhelpful female offspring is never enough……we thought, balls to it, let’s have some more!” Her blog is a hearty mixture of kid stuff, reviews and craft and she’s also very funny on twitter.

  Follow @trouble_doubled

• Fiona at Coombe Mill When she’s not running a busy holiday farm or looking after six kids, Fiona can be found blogging about it all! Baking, family life and wonderful photography all add up to a lovely blog. And she runs competitions for holidays there. Oh Yes! 

  Follow @coombemill

• Two of Everything  Comes from Eleanor, also in the Northwest of England, who is a specialist in early years and music so really knows what she’s talking about. Her blog includes lots of craft and parenting ideas and also great photography.
• Mummy from the Heart ”Wife to one, Mummy to three, this is the place where I can be me!” Michelle is the original Twin Mum Blogger. She’s been going for about five years and acts as Fairy Blogmother to lots of folks starting up with theirs. She also features New Bloggers Fortnight every January with hints and tips and guest posts.  

  Follow @michelletwinmum

• Crazy With Twins Emma’s tagline is ‘The beautiful, funny and unsightly truths about raising newborn twins and a five-year old singleton’. It’s a no holds barred personal account from a very busy lady!
• Random Mutterings ”Blogging the transformation from juvenile to parent” – A frank and funny blog from a Dad of twins, covering pregnancy to (very recent) arrival. Ever wondered whether you can watch tv and have a beer from a cot? Yep, he’s got that covered… great blog.
• Here Come the Girls comes courtesy of Rebecca who has loads of great ideas on parenting activities, recipes and crafts and surviving the sea of pink plastic!
• Younger and Younger Heather has been blogging about her life with twins since 2009. She has the coolest named babies around and writes practical down to earth information about being a twin parent.
• Is there a Plan B – one of the early twin blogs, covers all sorts including great recipes and a dry sense of humour. It’s varied, personable and there’s a lot of it!
• Mari’s World ”The Great British Housewife” Mari’s blog is indeed the size of a small planet, with everything from cooking, photography, reviews, kids stuff… just an incredible read! She’s a big review and commercial blogger and has something for everyone.

  Follow @maris_world

• Two Became Four – Rebecca leads us through her (very photogenic) world, covering family, food, fun, fashion and laser eye surgery!
• This Moms Frantic Mind ”Anything that is racing through my brain” is a blog from a multiples mum who has experience of special needs and is sharing her journey. She writes with a dollop of sarcasm at times as well as being frequently inspiring.
• Kimbers Navy Family ”A blogging stay at home mother of a three year-old and one year-old twins and wife of a submariner” – A military Mom in North Caroline shares the highs and lows of life as a mother of three, and it’s written from the heart.
• Twinkle Mummy ”Bleary Eyed, Lactating Mummy to twins Spud and Sprout” – a good advocate for breastfeeding and interesting personal blog.
• Twodaloo ”Adventures in parenting and creativity” It’s a glossy and fab blog from Stephanie in Texas, which covers speech and language (also her professional area), craft, early childhood activities and parenting. 

  Follow @two_daloo

• Mommys Minions A working Mom of twin kindergarteners who is a well established parent blogger with a humourous twist – a lot of the posts are photos and very funny.

  Follow @mommysminions

• Three Under Three ”Being driven slowly insane by three daughter born within two years” and who shares the fun in her regular postings. Hers are the same age as mine so I’m a fan of this one!

  Follow @queen_lear

• Knocked Up Jacq She started blogging her pregnancy from 12 weeks on… and the rest is history! The babies recently arrived and she is sharing her experiences with newborns (yes actually blogging that soon!). Pay her a visit!
• Becoming Mums is a blog about Two Mums and Two Babies. The blog has been going since before conception and offers an incredible insight into the process of donor IVF. Once you get started on this gem, there’s a lot of back-reading to do!
• Modern Dilemmas of a Twin Mum – sporadic but fun posts on this new blog from Sally, living the village life with twin boys.
• 101 Stupid Things is a blogger after my own heart, who focuses her entire blog around dealing with the idiocy of the world!! Laura is  working her way through the nonsense people say to her about twins, one thought-provoking post at a time.

Please feel free to contact me through comments or contact@inadifferentvoice.co.uk if you would like to be included here!

New additions:

• Simple Sayings is a blog from US mom Barbara (in Oregen) who blogs about life with her boy/girl twins. The experience truly travels and twin parents anywhere will relate to her joys and frustrations.
• Musings From a Mum – blog from a mum of twins plus a singleton exploring the world of a career break. Politically minded and good fun.
• Fives a Fellowship – Blog from Stacey, a twenty-something mum of twins and an older singleton. She’s also big on videogaming – who can blame her for embracing escapism!

The girls received animal toys from their big sister on their first birthday, and they have both been inseparable from them since. Almost every picture we have of them has one or both of these toys in, so I tried to make them an elephant and giraffe cake each. Animal cakes are simple enough, and I made these sitting to match the toys, so had to make use of some cake modelling magic (rice crispy squares mix) to get the stand-up parts to work. I didn’t follow a plan or a recipe, so the elephant cake has a larger trunk than I meant, but I think they worked out nicely anyway. Rice crispy squares (melted marshmallows and rice crispies) are east to make and once set are great to work with. Once you’ve figured out to butter your hands – else you end up in one seriously sticky mess!

Best of all, the girls loved the animal cakes and instantly recognized who they were meant to be, which was lovely. We had a pretty quiet family tea-party, but their big sister had taught them the ‘Happy Birthday’ song so they enjoyed singing it over and over.

Here are a couple of the in-progress shots, and their beloved elephant and giraffe on which they were based.

;

The top-heavy parts (giraffe neck and elephant trunk) and limbs are sugarpaste on the rice crispy mixture, secured with simple wooden skewers. The cake is just a victoria sponge which I carved to a half egg body shape.

They were genuinely quite simple to do – both were made from scratch in a couple of hours.

The animal head shapes were a bit freaky!

]]> http://www.inadifferentvoice.co.uk/blog/2013/01/16/twin-animal-cakes-elephant-and-giraffe/feed/ 1 http://www.inadifferentvoice.co.uk/blog/2013/01/11/antenatal-education-are-we-all-in-it-together/ http://www.inadifferentvoice.co.uk/blog/2013/01/11/antenatal-education-are-we-all-in-it-together/#comments Fri, 11 Jan 2013 00:49:20 +0000 inadifferentvoice http://www.inadifferentvoice.co.uk/blog/?p=990 There’s been a big debate about antenatal classes over the past week. It’s hard reading to see people who feel they have been let down and I’m glad some women are finding their voice on an issue which matters. At the same time, having worked in the NHS as well as having sat on a local Maternity Group representing mums, I feel like I’m waiting for the rest of the conversation; it’s teetering on the edge of a much bigger issue…

When I had my first baby, I felt very fortunate that I was able to afford private antenatal classes. Not in a glib nod to being able to afford them, but genuinely, very very fortunate. Because when I had my first daughter, my local NHS Trust weren’t offering antenatal classes at all. Reflecting on why I went to private classes in the first place, I returned to those NHS stats that I used to spend my days hunched over, and they confirmed  that this issue runs much, much deeper.

So last night I starting tweeting some facts from the NHS Maternity Services Survey (a detailed survey collating the experiences of over twenty-five thousand women in 2010, conducted by the healthcare regulator ‘CQC’). Shocked twitter responses came back very quickly.

For example, the survey asked “During your pregnancy did you attend any antenatal classes provided by the NHS?” A staggering 38% said they were not offered any classes, and a further 4% found them already booked up. That’s 42% of pregnant women who responded in 2010 unable to access NHS antenatal classes. Not built up and let down, not steered in the wrong direction, but offered no directions at all.

And there’s more. When it came to the postnatal period, the support for women themselves (ie support distinct from the birthing process) seems to taper off again. The survey showed  that almost one in five (18%) didn’t feel that they got enough information about their own recovery and 21% felt they weren’t given enough information about emotional changes they might experience following the birth (second day meltdown anyone? Oh the larks! I cried snot bubbles on my husband’s shoulder – thank god for muslin squares.) I digress….

Then there’s the guilt-mine that is feeding – please bring your little violins to my annual bonfire on this one ladies, marshmallows optional… The official NHS policy is ‘Breast is Best’ which I still think should be ‘supporting the mother is best’ but that’s another post entirely…. Anywho! The survey…  17% said that infant feeding was not discussed with them during their pregnancy and 13% said they didn’t receive advice about feeding their baby in the six weeks that followed the birth. That’s nada. No support. For a policy which says you can only be supported one way as it is.

How private classes like NCT impact on this data I don’t know.  How much they improve the stats or make people aware of the failings I couldn’t say. They may, I haven’t asked.  I’m not claiming to be definitive. But please look at these figures. If even a small number of women leaving the most popular private antenatal education being unprepared is unacceptable, what should we say to this? This isn’t a few rogue providers going off agenda, this is more like systematic denial of essential support for pregnant women. And what’s worse is I know that Trusts will be measuring themselves against a benchmark on this. That there is, administratively, an acceptable level of failure. And it’s way too high.

If shortcomings in private antenatal classes, even for a minority, are a problem; then a countrywide failure to provide antenatal classes should be an absolute scandal. And this survey was before the financial cuts kicked in.

In relation to my last blogs on antenatal classes: the negative feedback about the NCT is worrying. People’s dissatisfaction is alarming. It’s a small proportion and (I can’t say this clearly enough) it DOES matter. However, in my heart of hearts, I feel that for many (like myself) it is also the safety net service for the better-off when the NHS fails ALL pregnant women, and we need to see beyond the traditionally louder voices of the better-off types who generally access private services, and ALSO concentrate on the failings which affect everyone.

I’m all for challenging services which aren’t working for women. Anyone who’s read my blog knows that I have been doing that myself for a long time. Any serious attempt to challenge the difficulties which face pregnant women and new mothers WITHOUT identifying the massive gaps in NHS care as a fundamental problem, won’t be speaking for enough of us. From antenatal care through to those exhausted, emotion-curdling, seismic-readjustment stages of new motherhood, we should all be able to expect an equal service and be in the same boat.

What can we do about it?

Blogging is one thing. ‘Raising awareness’ is a start. But you can also:

• take a look at the stats in more detail and see how your local trust performs.
• You can contact your local maternity unit if you have recently had a poor experience and you can complain.
• You can join Maternity Service Liaison Committees which you can look up on your local trust website (I sat on my local one and they are usually desperate for mothers to get involved – don’t be put off by taking a baby to it – I literally sat chatting while bottle feeding twins and was perfectly welcome).
• You can respond to the next survey if you get it.
• You can lobby your local Commissioning organisation (CCG’s) by emailing them and asking them what they are doing about it.
• You can join your local NCT branch and campaign through them.
• You can suggest more ideas and share them in the comments!!

I sincerely hope that the current interest in private antenatal support progresses quickly into a conversation about support for every pregnant woman; because where it has gone so far is the tip of the maternity inequality iceberg.

JT

NB The Care Quality Commission (CQC – formerly the Healthcare Commission) surveys maternity service users every few years. The responses come from over twenty-five thousand women and cover a range of topics from early pregnancy to post-natal care. A lot of it is great, but there are significant failings reported.

1. We accept no responsibility for your children, their behaviour, tantrums, or inability to hold their bladders.
2. Please leave your shoes and dignity at the front desk. You cannot climb through the squidgy mangle at 30 and still look cool. Let it go.
3. Socks must be worn at all times for hygiene reasons. And to alleviate frostbite in this concrete floored abyss…
4. Babies are most welcome at their parent’s own risk …of hyperventilating at every snot-ridden toddler who storms past or every cold chip they pick up from the floor.
5. Food is not allowed on the playframe. Or in the café. We might produce something orange from the fryer on request, but we can’t really call it food. Your kids aren’t complaining, so quit whining.
6. We try to keep our soft play areas as clean as possible. Please inform a member of staff if you see anything which requires cleaning up so we can sweep half-heartedly at it with blue tissue unless it has really obviously got bodily fluids in.
7. We do not accept complaints about the behaviour of older children. In two years time you will still be coming here, thanking the lord for this policy.
8. There will only be one baby changing station. We know there will be more than one baby, we just love watching you try to wrestle your stinky baby without spilling its nappy and pretending not to mind that the person ahead is taking so long. We have needs too.
9. We have an open pricing policy. It’s extortionate. You need not mutter to yourself or your friends at the till about it each and every time you choose to frequent us. No really. You should see the insurance premiums for allowing infants to play at height.
10. We like everyone to play pretend, starting with ‘pretend that we all have some perspective’. Climbing the slide, pushing in and screaming are not allowed;  they are also not the end of the world. Take a chill pill.
11. All the rules apply to everyone. Not everyone except your child because you think they are a unique and special exception. Yes we mean you.
12. You could always go to the park.

I thought I would add a few more sensible words about why it is that I find the attacks on the NCT so frustrating.

Firstly, while teachers are paid (a pittance) to run antenatal classes and there’s a frugal head office, the vast majority of the NCT is run by volunteers. Volunteers who almost all have small children, yet believe in paying it forward to other families. It’s a charity which fills gaping holes in knowledge investment and promoting parents’ rights that are left by an underfunded NHS, and in many areas is frustratingly filling gaps left by local service providers.

It also isn’t perfect. Like any healthcare related charity it needs to work hard to reach out to groups who don’t traditionally access support services. It has history (or baggage, depending on your perspective) of a reputation for attracting some with quite militant or alternative parenting views. But it has done a lot to overcome that. It trains antenatal teachers through an accredited university programme. It publishes and promotes evidence based research and engages with lots of new thinking. It spends time and resources canvassing views of parents.

But most of all, it cares about parents’ experiences of pregnancy, childbirth and early parenting. When I think back to my experiences, if it hadn’t been for the NCT I would frankly have felt so uninformed and alone I would have had a completely different few years.

Which is why, when I read that Kirsty Allsop attacked the NCT for providing her poor information about Caesarian sections and asked people to share their negative experiences, as a volunteer, I read them with great interest and concern. Questions were asked among NCT staff and volunteers, they looked again at the feedback from courses (thousands of samples – statistically more reliable than a ‘please share your anger here’ request on twitter). And the people of the NCT did talk about it. They were, I think, initially shocked, but invited Kirsty to engage. There was genuine concern. But once the moment in the spotlight passed, the loudly ‘caring for the underrepresented dissatisfied sample’, she just walked away. Nothing happened. This was two years ago.

In the meantime, NCT volunteers got on with what they are best at. Not courting the media or being sensational, but trying to ensure, a day at a time, that we worked together to provide some support for people going through pregnancy and early parenthood.

In 2012, there was a significant change which I blogged about here where the organisation decided to take a big step in moving away from ‘promoting’ breastfeeding to ‘supporting it. A subtle but significant change which matches the tone of the criticism from those who feel promotion is ‘pushy’ or encouraging judgment. Without Kirsty’s help.

And until last year, I was among those volunteers working many unpaid hours, without big fanfare, to try to make a difference. I regularly attended antenatal classes (including with three week old twins) to greet expectant parents on behalf of our branch. I told them, with the teachers present and nodding, that I had a section and that I didn’t breastfeed. I highlighted that informed choice was great, but each person was different. Like many others do.

I’ve given up now as three under four didn’t agree with the hours I wanted to do, but I don’t regret doing it no matter how many people are critical of the NCT. Because hers is a minority experience and I trust, I know, they are serious about helping solve any problems.

Which is why when I read yesterday that after a two year silence between publicly slating the NCT and doing absolutely nothing with them, that Kirsty has once again gone to the press slagging them off, I ceased to give a hoot what she said. Because she said herself on twitter that she has a ‘chip on her shoulder’ about NCT. She’s unable to comment on the discussions and changes that have been going on since she last attacked them, because she didn’t want to do anything about it last time. Dealing with the fallout was left to the mainly unpaid networks to address.

Changes HAVE happened. Brains have been racked. Debates have been held. But as far as a lot of people will be concerned, those things may as well not have, because someone who refused to even discuss it, says so on twitter.

And this is why I also pointed out with yesterdays spoof, the irony of someone who sells aspirational lifestyles for a living, repeatedly slagging off a charitable organisation because she feels they put pressure on women to behave a certain way.

JT
*I should add I speak only for myself on this. I am not an employee or volunteer for the NCT. These views should not be taken to represent the NCT or any of its staff or representatives.

(You might also be interested in my later post on broader issues with access to antenatal education, and in this much more detailed response from an antenatal teacher).

Particularly I find distasteful the pro-misogynist crafting stance, which is utterly trivialising b****ks designed to make women feel guilty for not hand knitting their own toilet roll and making their homes look like a Kath Kidston showroom. In particular ‘Kirsty’s Home-made Christmas’ presented an arguably sexist, dogmatic and scary ideology that women should be working their fingers to the bone to create an outdated Christmas ideal that barely reflects the reality of the working woman.

The ideology the programs espouse fails to represent the needs of hundreds of thousands of women and men who have no desire to live in a twee environment or sew teddy bears, and whose confidence is damaged by the huge guilt perpetuated by such nonsense.

One viewer, who chose to remain anonymous said “The programmes are failing ordinary people like me. I’m privileged that I can afford Christmas, and ultimately all I want is a healthy happy family at Christmas time. I feel let down at the immense social pressure these programs put on women to behave in a certain way and conform to outdated stereotypes. I had a perfectly normal Christmas and everyone was fine in the end, but the whole experience was soured by being made to feel a failure by opting to join in with these voluntary programs”.

Responding to the comments, chief spokeswoman Mary Christmas said “Lifestyle programmes cover all aspects that are expected of a woman at Christmas, including spending excessive amounts of time sourcing and creating things which can be bought on eBay, or simply not used. The content of the programs is also influenced by the express needs and wants of the advertising industry and magazine spin-off opportunities they create. This means that some topics may be discussed at more lengths than others”. Adding “I encourage feedback from others and ask them to contact me directly”.

Many wanted to have a beautiful homemade Christmas, but couldn’t for various reasons, like having kids, a job, a normal amount of money and desire to have a life.

Sometimes that isn’t possible and an ordinary microwave-veg Christmas dinner with supermarket crackers and decorations is necessary, sometimes even engaging the men. I feel that women should be prepared for that too and not made to feel that they have failed if they don’t hand stitch every last c**king bauble themselves.

JT

This post is a spoof in relation to yet another outburst about the parenting charity the ‘National Childbirth Trust’ by a TV presenter. She’s said it before in the press and ignored an invitation for a dialogue from the charity. This time it’s in the Mail, but you can see it here without giving them any traffic.

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